i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I’d use my best pan on you.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.