I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)