I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Always a metermaid never a meter
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?