I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
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I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??![]()
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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
no!! no!!!!!!
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
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do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
what does he know…
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician