I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*