I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
You Might Also Like
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
🤣🤣🤣
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.