I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Cats are still liquid.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”