I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.![]()
You Might Also Like
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
![]()
![]()
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
LOOOOOOL
![]()
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.