I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
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You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.