I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
You Might Also Like
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it