I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.