I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
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Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.