I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 馃П
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it鈥檚 nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog鈥檚 name is jeff
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Things that don鈥檛 exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
astronauts be acting like they鈥檙e so cool, as if we didn鈥檛 know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it鈥檚 not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don鈥檛 get arrested or anything.
Why font matters.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it鈥檚 not ok to give my kids ketchup that鈥檚 2 years expired.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren鈥檛 being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter