I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.