I SAID YES!!! ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ someone asked if I was alone for valentineโs day!!!
You Might Also Like
My mom didnโt respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an โI brake for butterfliesโ bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I canโt believe Iโm supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
โYOU HAVENโT GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!โ
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Iโve deleted all dating apps off my phone Iโm over it ๐ญ Iโm waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book thatโs too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and iโm trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
ME: letโs do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you canโt snort anything with that
Making homemade peanut butter isnโt as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog โTell Me She didnโt Really Just Do Thatโ.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
You know you are old when you say โIโm oldโ and nobody wants to object to it.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was โboring and unoriginal,โ and the only thing I could respond with was โno, YOUโRE boring and unoriginalโ