Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for adviceš
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Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Before I had kids I wasnāt a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, Iām still not
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
If weāre out of croutons, Iāll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
āHigherā¦lowerā¦lowerā¦higherā¦LOWER!ā
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now thereās 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Never share breakfast with a duckā¼ļø
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they wonāt be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didnāt oink enough