If you steal piles of leaves from someone else鈥檚 yard it鈥檚 called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 馃槑馃崅
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god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Every time.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I鈥檓 really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn鈥檛 even put out any good songs
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Therapist: healing isn鈥檛 linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.馃槀
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no鈥he took my yamaha?
cop:
They say the longer you鈥檙e married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other鈥檚 iPhones using face ID.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.