”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back馃槵
You Might Also Like
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn鈥檛 hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can鈥檛 help you now
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Just a friendly reminder!
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird