it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.