It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
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[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.