It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
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Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
When someone trying to leave me
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
your elf on the shelf was delicious