i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 馃憖
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bad news gang
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they鈥檒l trip over something and die
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Probably the most empowered I鈥檝e ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he鈥檚 taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don鈥檛 even have a cat
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Good Cop: You鈥檙e going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don鈥檛 listen to him. Two games, tops.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you鈥檒l have to wash your hands like a politician
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..