Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no