Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
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#Caturday
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.