Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
saving face 👀
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.