Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Do one person every day that scares you.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.