Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
You Might Also Like
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.