me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
mom gave me mine for free
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.