Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue đ
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
A lot of people have been asking me why Iâve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than youâd expect. It doesnât fit my head when I have hair so Iâm getting the most out of it while I can.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: Iâm adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be manâs best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Recipe comment: I didnât use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Nothing says âI love you momâ like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I didnât know any of my neighborâs names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kyloâs mom, Phoebeâs dad, Maxâs mom and Boâs parents
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
And thatâs why you clean your room, kids.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My kid just called me by âhey youâ and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than theyâve ever walked before.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5â2â. this is not the skirtâs fault
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Some people arenât just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, âApollo Gâ
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Motherâs Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didnât need any help.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
when itâs raining and someone texts you âare we still on for tonight?â and you say âoh, im fine either way, up to you! itâs raining lolâ and then they text âokay see you tonightâ
The British sentence that is never complete:
âExcuse me, can I just⌠thanksâ
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out