me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
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[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night