Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
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My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is