most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
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*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
peak technology
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
me after drinking all the wine:
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post