my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
You Might Also Like
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.