My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
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Taco Bell, Exit 22
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Pass gas, not judgment.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?