My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Good boy 😂😂
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself