My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
If procrastination were a category, I’d have 10 Oscars by now.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.