My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
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While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
this has done me in for some reason
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.