My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
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Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Who wants to be my Valentine?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Who chose this font
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
A little too much information.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories