my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
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ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Ape together strong
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST