Nailed it!ππ»π€£π€£π
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I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
βIβm running 5 minutes lateβ = Iβm running 10 minutes late
βIβm running 10 minutes lateβ = Iβm running 20 minutes late
βin trafficβ = just got in a car
βleaving nowβ = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said βmommy you have a big big tummyβ
parenting is not for the faint of heart
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My friend is dating a guy who wonβt stop taking her to the circus π