Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE