New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
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getting corrected
lumberjacks will cut a birch
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Oh the world we live in…
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
TWEET CALL
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”