News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
i want to work in this restaurant
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.