“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.