No one girl should have all that power. 😂
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Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I’ve been learning to cook.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.