Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Spell check is for lasers.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Y’all ready for this
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Order here:
More here:
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture