Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Usage Guidelines
i spent way too long on this
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one