Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.