Omg 🤣
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
crochet youtube is brutal
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Always…
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.