Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.